My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
