Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
