I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
