Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
