I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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