so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
