Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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