My hand turned me down
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
