In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
