My Higher Power is John Stamos
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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