you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Hippo gnu deer
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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