I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
