whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
