I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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