I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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