My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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