Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
