I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
