I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
