I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
