She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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