She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
where am i from again
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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