I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
