meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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