if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
