I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
