just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
