I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
