He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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