Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
