the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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