woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she told me i tasted like america
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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