Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
