$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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