I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
