I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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