Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
