so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
