I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
