My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
