I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
