I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
