I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
