Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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