I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
