White coat. Heels.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
