someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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