Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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