He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
