dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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